hitched and stitched

Macs

2012-02-09T18:23:00.000-08:00

I made Valentine cookies today! I'm really into cookies lately. I love having a bite sized, homemade morsel of sweetness at the ready for an afternoon snack or an evening dessert. My challenge is keeping it to that and not ending up gobbling them for breakfast in the car, washing them down with a travel-mug full of milk, and then hating myself for it. So far, I've been able to restrain myself. Yay! Anyway...the following chronicles my foray into chocolate topped coconut macaroons. You can find the recipe I followed here.

By the way - this was a lot more work than I anticipated. The cookies were good, but not good enough for me to justify the effort. But they did make for nice coworker valentine gifts!

Faithful Friend

2012-02-07T18:20:00.000-08:00

Thoughtful Linus

Eternal Green Onions

2012-02-02T18:07:00.000-08:00

Mind-blow Alert!

Word on the streets (Pinterest) is that after you use green onions you can stick the bottom white part into a glass of water and the green tops will grow again.

WHAT.

You heard me. Green onions...forever.

Challenge accepted.

Green onions, about to become immortal.

I'll report back with the results. I still can't 100% believe that this magic is true, but the prospects are too tantalizing.

Grasshoppers

2012-01-24T17:04:00.000-08:00

Despite my lack of love for most things chocolate, I have an inexplicable attraction to mint chocolate chip ice cream. So when I came across a Weight Watchers recipe for grasshopper pie on Pinterest, I decided it was a perfect candidate for my quest to try 52 new (to me) recipes in 2012. Find the original recipe here.

Crush 4 or 5 Grasshopper or Thin Mint cookies. (The original recipe says to use two cookies but that's absurd - don't listen. It won't even cover half the pan!

Grasshopper cookies taste a lot like Thin Mints, but if you have the opportunity to buy Thin Mints, do it! Support a local Girl Scout Troop instead!

Sprinkle the cookies over the bottom of the pie plate.

This is five cookies. Imagine what two would have been like!

Finely chop one square of semi-sweet baker's chocolate.

I used baker's chocolate but I'm sure mini chocolate chips would work well too!

Beat one 1 oz. package of sugar free, instant pistachio pudding mix, 1.5 cups of skim milk and .25 tsp. of peppermint extract extract with whisk for 2 minutes. Stir in one tub of fat free Cool Whip, and chopped chocolate.

I love the minty green color!

Pour into pie plate over crushed cookies and chill in the freezer for at least 6 hours until set.

The original recipe says to garnish with two extra cookies, cut into quarters, but I decided that was fancier than I needed, so I left it pure and simple.

My verdict on this recipe? It was tasty, but I think that in the future I'll probably skip all these steps in favor of buying a pint of low-fat mint chocolate chip ice-cream. Though this recipe was fairly quick and easy, I think I'd get similar results taste and calorie-wise for less effort. And I'm pretty much always about low effort when it comes to food. :)

Rule Change!

2012-01-22T16:35:00.000-08:00

This is a 5 Year Journal post. The goal is to answer a simple journal prompt each day of the year as a real record of daily life in this moment. You can learn more about the 5 Year Journal project by clicking the tab above.

You know one of the best things about giving yourself a blog challenge? There's no one to make you stick to it! I'm changing the rules. I know the new year is only 21 days old, but this 5 Year Journal on the blog is already crampin' my style. I feel a bit too restricted in my posting and its kinda preventing me from wanting to post. Its too much like an assignment. Sometimes the structure is nice, but other times it really doesn't match with my mood or reflect the spirit of the day - which was my whole purpose for doing it in the first place.

So I'm still going to use the 5 Year Journal -as one tool in my over all goal of capturing real moments in my every day life in 2012. Another tool I'm going to use is Photo-a-Day. In 2009 I did 365 days of Photo-a-Day. It was eye-opening, it was beautiful, it was brutal. Not only was it a lot of work, it was a particularly painful year - the worst of my life- forever preserved in 365 photographs. I don't want to commit to that either. Soooo - I will create an unholy hybrid to maximize the bets of all the projects!

Some days I'll answer a 5-Year-Journal question. Other days I'll post a daily photo. Sometimes I'll write a traditional blog post. And some days, I just won't post anything. I am giving myself permission to not post every single day of 2012. I've done a post a day for a year before and its just too much for me! So, call me lazy if you will - I don't care - because its my game and I make the rules here! :)

ReadyMade

2012-01-20T16:24:00.000-08:00

This is a 5 Year Journal post. The goal is to answer a simple journal prompt each day of the year as a real record of daily life in this moment. You can learn more about the 5 Year Journal project by clicking the tab above.

January 20: What is something you've created recently?

We made this banner as a custom order for Caroline, who is turning 1 soon. Her mom wanted to feature it at her first birthday party, and we were honored to make it happen!

I have often made banners like this for family and friends as birthday gifts because I love the idea of making the house a little extra special on someone's birthday (or any special day) and because I think that a handmade, reusable banner is much more special than something plastic from Wal-Mart. I envision the banner displayed year after year, evoking feelings of excitement and nostalgia for the person of honor. I hope it sees as many happy occasions as I envision for it!

Interwebz

2012-01-19T09:11:00.000-08:00

This is a 5 Year Journal post. The goal is to answer a simple journal prompt each day of the year as a real record of daily life in this moment. You can learn more about the 5 Year Journal project by clicking the tab above.

January 19: What is your current favorite website?

I love a lot of websites. Especially now that I have the internet with me wherever I go, encased in a nicely portable little iFriend, I can easily get sucked into the productivity Bermuda Triangle that is the internet. So its hard to narrow down the choices.....

....but here's one I'm kind of addicted to checking at least once a day. I'm a sucker for cute, and I like looking at pictures, so the website Must Have Cute is perfect for me. They feature pictures mostly of cute products and food, and sometimes links to find, buy, or make them. Here are a few of my recent favorite featured products:

Buy a happy slice of toast necklace here!

Narwhal Notebook can be purchased here

Learn how to make these adorable cookies here!

Attack Hug

2012-01-18T07:45:00.000-08:00

This is a 5 Year Journal post. The goal is to answer a simple journal prompt each day of the year as a real record of daily life in this moment. You can learn more about the 5 Year Journal project by clicking the tab above.

January 18: The best part of today was.....

...getting attack hugged by second graders who were SO excited to come to Girl Scouts.

I love self portrait day :)

Superficially Grateful

2012-01-17T15:32:00.000-08:00

This is a 5 Year Journal post. The goal is to answer a simple journal prompt each day of the year as a real record of daily life in this moment. You can learn more about the 5 Year Journal project by clicking the tab above.

January 17: What are you grateful for?

It seems like I just answered this question... Okay, it was a little different - that time I wrote about what I was most grateful for. Today I'll write about random, superficial things I appreciate about modern life - since there are so many!

Let us all bask in television's warmly glowing warming glow.

Netflix and Hulu Plus apps on our "Internet TV" in our bedroom - i barely miss satellite service
The volume and channel control buttons on my steering wheel (something I thought was over the top and unnecessary when we bought the car but that I learned to love within the first day)
Rhapsody - practically every song ever recorded, on my iPhone and iPod anytime anywhere, for $10/month. Another example of something I thought was dumb until I tried it for a week. Now I wouldn't want to go without it. I never buy CDs, but I can listen to anything I want. Brilliant.
The clock app that turns my iPhone into a really great clock. I use a simple charging doc that props the phone up, turn the clock app on, and you wouldn't even guess that I don't have a traditional digital clock on my nightstand. Phone gets charged, I can easily see what time it is, and it saves space on the nightstand. Win, win, win.
My new Ralph Lauren athletic socks. Yes - you can marvel at how fancy I am now. Actually I bought them at T.J. Maxx because several of my old pairs of athletic socks were dingy and gross looking, and I decided at the beginning of the year that I am worth clean, new socks. So I finally got some. And they are bright and fluffy and the soles are cushioned. Just one of those little things that make a big difference for me. I feel more relaxed and at peace with new, clean socks.
Last but not least....my Britta water bottle. I didn't know I'd be this attached to it when I bought it, but its kind of a miracle. Its a lifesaver for me when I'm at schools all day. There is some really rank tasting water flowing through the pipes at some of our public schools (this is first-hand experience talking), but I don't want to lug around 4 bottles of my filtered water from home all day to meet my hydration goals. The Britta Bottle allows me to fill up at any questionable water fountain with ancient pipes and hard water with no nasty, unwanted flavors. For someone who is still learning to like drinking water in the first place, this is a fabulous tool.

And there you go - a post that started out as "what I am grateful for" and has ended up sounding like a series of product placements. :)

Lucky in Love

2012-01-16T15:16:00.000-08:00

Randy- pretending to be a hipster

Stop telephonin' me-e-e...

2012-01-15T15:16:00.000-08:00


This and other hilarious e-cards found at someecards.com

January 15: Who did you last speak to on the phone?

I don’t talk on the phone much because I kind of hate it. (The 13-year-old me is dying inside right now.) Randy and I got rid of our home lines when we got our iPhones and haven’t regretted it one little bit.

I checked my phone’s recent calls log and it looks like the last person I actually spoke to on the phone was Kara, way back on December 28, 2011. That even surprised me!

Accomplishments

2012-01-14T15:05:00.000-08:00

This is a 5 Year Journal post. The goal is to answer a simple journal prompt each day of the year as a real record of daily life in this moment. You can learn more about the 5 Year Journal project by clicking the tab above.

January 14: What did you accomplish today?

I caught up with my parents over lunch - just me and them. :)

Dinner Bell

2012-01-13T19:33:00.000-08:00

This is a 5 Year Journal post. The goal is to answer a simple journal prompt each day of the year as a real record of daily life in this moment. You can learn more about the 5 Year Journal project by clicking the tab above.

January 13: What did you have for dinner?

We met Randy’s parents, brother and sister at Longhorn for dinner. Randy and I were such model health citizens in that den of calorie iniquities. We both had a grilled chicken breast topped with a garlic mushroom sauce and a stuffed portobello, served with grilled green beans and a side salad, all for less than 750 calories. Win.

Gifted

2012-01-12T19:20:00.000-08:00

This is a 5 Year Journal post. The goal is to answer a simple journal prompt each day of the year as a real record of daily life in this moment. You can learn more about the 5 Year Journal project by clicking the tab above.

January 12: What makes you mad?

When people say that children are a gift from God. It feels like a cold slap in the face to those of us who haven't been so privileged. Why aren't we gift-worthy? And why is the 15-year-old pothead who hangs out in front of the city library, smoking as she pats her swollen belly - why is she gift-worthy?

Yep. Wanna make me mad? Just call children a gift from God. That'll do it.

Scarftacular

2012-01-11T19:12:00.000-08:00

This is a 5 Year Journal post. The goal is to answer a simple journal prompt each day of the year as a real record of daily life in this moment. You can learn more about the 5 Year Journal project by clicking the tab above.

January 11: What is your favorite accessory?

Scarves! I bought my first decorative (as in not cold weather functional) scarf in November and now I’m addicted. I made this one out of a couple strips of old flannel fabric I had in the craft room. You can’t see the frayed edges, because there’s a baby in the way. I guess I’ll let him slide this time. :)

Pals

PS: I wonder what 15-year-old me would think about adult me being this excited about an accessory I’m sure I would have deemed “old lady-ish”. Oh well.

Smile

2012-01-10T19:04:00.000-08:00

This is a 5 Year Journal post. The goal is to answer a simple journal prompt each day of the year as a real record of daily life in this moment. You can learn more about the 5 Year Journal project by clicking the tab above.

January 10: What made you smile today?

Kara makes me smile every Monday and Tuesday when I sit across from her at work. Today she: sang me songs, gave me WAY to much info about her malfunctioning digestive track, and coerced me into painting her nails in the car after lunch. Basically, it was a typical day with Kara.

Peanut Butter Makes Life Palatable (See what I did there?)

2012-01-09T18:53:00.000-08:00

This is a 5 Year Journal post. The goal is to answer a simple journal prompt each day of the year as a real record of daily life in this moment. You can learn more about the 5 Year Journal project by clicking the tab above.

January 9: What is your current favorite snack?
Apparently, this is turning into a food blog (see yesterday’s post). I do like food. A lot. And since I’m really trying to be healthy and actually take care of my body after a long neglectful period, I’m full of new food ideas. In fact, one of my goals for the year is to try one new recipe per week. One of my new favorite food combos is really good and really healthy and I’ve been using it as a snack and as a breakfast option. Please to enjoy:

Peanut Butter Apple Greek Yogurt Parfait

1/2 cup plain nonfat Greek Yogurt
1 granny smith apple
1 tbs natural peanut butter
Splenda or sugar to taste

1. Don’t be scared off by the word Greek before the word yogurt. DON’T. Its not scary. Its just regular yogurt which has been strained so that most of the whey (liquid carbs, basically) drain out, leaving you with a thicker, creamier, and best of all, much higher protein yogurt. Randy and I sing its praises often as it is so healthy and so versatile. It can be used as a virtually undetectable (at least to me) substitute for sour cream, so we use it in everything from baked potatoes to tacos to chili. We never use sour cream anymore. And with some sweetener, you can use it in desserts and sweet snacks. Ahhh....I love you, Greek Yogurt! You can also purchase it already sweetened in a variety of flavors, just like regular yogurt - if you’re not brave enough to start with the “hard stuff”.

Oikos is a good choice. Kroger brand is also great.

2. Now that you are on board with the awesomeness that is Greek Yogurt, you can begin constructing your snack. Mix the tablespoon of natural peanut butter into the yogurt. You can use regular peanut butter, but its much more difficult to blend it into the yogurt. If you are going to use regular, I’d suggest getting it just barely warm so that it loosens up a bit. But why not just go natural? Is soooo tasty and easy to spread.

3. If you’ve started with plain yogurt you will definitely need some sweetener - because that stuff is T.A.R.T. tart. Play around with it and keep adding until you feel comfortable with the tartness level. I use Splenda and I us a lot. You could also use sugar or honey.

4. Chop your apple into small pieces - I think I usually go for cubes that are about a half inch - and stir them into the yogurt/peanut butter mixture.

5. Enjoy!

I am the Pizza Monster

2012-01-08T18:35:00.000-08:00

This is a 5 Year Journal post. The goal is to answer a simple journal prompt each day of the year as a real record of daily life in this moment. You can learn more about the official 5 Year Journal project and about our own 5 Year Journal project to the right on the sidebar.

January 8: What is the last really good thing you ate?

I love pizza so much its almost obscene. Now that I'm trying to take care of myself more, I am limiting the amount of carry-out pizza I eat. But I can't just break up with all pizza completely. I'm not sure a pizza-less life would be worth living…

So on pizza night (which is Thursday, if you were wondering – just in time for 30 Rock and Parks and Rec) we've been making what we've termed "Dippin' Stix", which we dip into my homemade pizza sauce, which is to die for. I can't even explain how much I love this sauce. Here is the recipe!

Dippin Stix
-Loaf of Italian Bread
-I Can't Believe its Not Butter Light spread (or butter if you’re feelin’ bold)
-Garlic Powder
-Shredded Mozzarella Cheese

Slice bread into 1-inch thick slices. (I usually allow about 5 ounces of bread per person, but you can divvy out the bread amounts as you see fit!) Spread a thin layer of the Not Butter spread onto each slice. (I usually try to use about 1 to 1.5 tbs per 5 ounces of bread to keep the fat and calories in check.) Sprinkle garlic powder to taste over the bread. Sprinkle mozzarella cheese over each slice of bread. (I allot about 2 ounces of cheese per 5 ounces of bread.) Bake in a 400 degree oven for 8-10 minutes or until cheese is golden and bubbly. Use a pizza cutter to slice into stix!

Mouth = Watering

Galaxy's Best Pizza Sauce
-2 medium onions, finely chopped
-1 28 ounce can of tomato puree
-1 28 ounce can of crushed tomatoes
-1 small can of Italian Style tomato paste
-5 cloves of garlic, crushed or minced
-2 tbs olive oil
-2 tsp dried basil
-2 tsp dried oregano
-1 tsp salt
-1/4 cup sugar (if you like your sauce less sweet, decrease to 2 tbs)

Coat large pot with oil and saute onions and garlic over med or med-hi heat until the onions are soft and golden. Add all other ingredients and bring to a gentle boil. Turn heat to low or med-low and let simmer for about an hour. You will need a vented lid or a splash guard - this sauce is very active and likes to Jackson Pollock your stove, backsplash, and counters with its red, tomatoey goodness. Which is decidedly more good if it stays in the pot.

This sauce recipe makes several servings. We usually use about a cup per person for our Dippin Stix, but you may use less if you are not a sauce person. We are sauce people. Use what you need the first night and then freeze the rest. I usually divide the sauce into 1 cup servings and pour into sandwich size zip top bags, then put all those bags into a gallon zip top bag and freeze. Then I take out what I need and after a quick thaw in the microwave or in a bowl of warm water (while the bag is still sealed!) its good to go.

I know you will be tempted to just use canned or jarred pizza or marinara sauce. Resist! I know its easier, but this recipe is really pretty painless and its SO much better, in my most humble opinion! At least try it once!

Accomplished

2012-01-07T18:18:00.000-08:00

The wrapper is still on, but he's got the idea!

Too. Much. Christmas.

Tell me you wouldn't kill for those eyelashes..

Deck the Dan!

Change

2012-01-06T16:17:00.000-08:00

Graveyard, Cades Cove, Tennessee

Of course people can change. But I think its really difficult. And I think most people don't change much unless they are forced to by life circumstances. I certainly feel like a different person than the me from 10 years ago.

No Possessions?

2012-01-05T16:11:00.000-08:00

air conditioning
hand lotion
Coke Zero
umbrellas
iPhone (see yesterday's post)
comfy bed
cozy jammies

Tangled Up Memories

2012-01-04T15:49:00.000-08:00

January 4 - What was your best memory of last year?

2011 was wrought with bad memories, including bot a failed IVF cycle and a miscarriage. Sometimes its hard to see beyond those things to pick a good memory, even though I know there were some. 2011 was also wrought with complicated memories – in other words, memories that should be joyful but are tangled up with painful feelings. The addition of my nephew to the family was both amazing and difficult for me – I love getting to know him but the whole situation often triggers very painful feelings that I still haven't worked through. And then I feel guilty for not being filled with joy. Ugh. Anyway…..one good memory (and I'm aware that this makes me sound shallow, but sometimes its the silly things that get us from one day to the next) is:

Getting my iPhone (I seriously love it far more than I should!)

Contentedness

2012-01-03T15:45:00.000-08:00

This is SUCH a loaded question for me and the answer has so many layers that I am feeling exhausted just thinking about them. I think the short answer would be: I am content for periods of time and in certain compartments of my life, but childlessness is such a gaping hole in my core that it (at least for the foreseeable future) and contentedness are absolutely incompatible.

Grateful

2012-01-02T15:18:00.000-08:00

Randy and Zipper - who has him wrapped around her little paw

January 2: What are you grateful for?

Hands down, the answer is forever Randy. Although I often complain and lament about all I don't have (especially related to fertility) I actually have TONS to be grateful for. But Randy is at the forefront by miles. We've known each other for 18 years now (I don't even have a concept of what 18 years feels like. I still feel 18 years old in a lot of ways.) and in that whole time I don't think he's ever once put himself first or thought of his own needs/wants ahead of mine in any way that really counts. Maybe he'd beg to differ – after all – he knows what thoughts are floating around his mind better than I do. But his actions time and time again have proven a commitment and devotion to me that make me wonder how I ever deserved it. And the answer, I think, is that I don't. I don't think people deserve what they get in life – I think things just happen to you, and sometimes you get lucky. Far, far luckier than you deserve.

For me, a giant portion of that luck has taken the form of a ginger-haired boy with muppety expressions who thinks Liz Lemon is hilarious, who gets too stressed out by horror films to watch them, who learned to knit to help me out, who is genuinely fascinated by online math classes, who wants to live in a farmhouse with chickens but understands we will also need an apartment in the city so that I don't go crazy, who enjoys cooking me dinner, who regularly checks and restocks expired first aid supplies in hour home, who has deserted island survival fantasies, who installed hardwood floors and built a deck because I wanted them, who loves to ski and hike and run, who wants to have a regular art night where we start new projects, who works tirelessly to entertain me with songs and funny voices, and who says his favorite times in life are when we just hang out together.

Yep – I won some sort of lottery here.

New Year, New Blog Project

2012-01-02T14:40:00.000-08:00

Photo taken by me, Chelsea Market, Manhattan

Confession time: I really haven't been in the mood to write recently. I like the idea of writing every day but when it comes down to it lately, I just keep getting sidetracked by far more important things to do. Things such as: avoiding writing. Basically I'm swamped. But here's the thing - one of my New Years goals is to write at least one meaningful blog post per week. But here's the other thing - another of my New Years goals is to live more simply. What to do?

I hava you answer! (That will look ridiculous unless you're familiar with My Big Fat Greek Wedding. If you're not, you should be.)

The answer is a project I found on Pinterest (which is a black hole of an activity that falls under the category of avoiding writing and that I'd highly recommend!) called 5 Year Journal. It was created by Tami Taylor and featured on the scrap-booking website Get It Scrapped. While I have NO patience for traditional scrap-booking (who knows why my brain says knitting tiny hats with delicate yarn is no problem and cutting out paper and photos is too much work?), I do love the idea of keeping a record of real daily life - for myself and for future generations. I actually think of this blog as a sort of scrapbook - just without the scissors and glue and tape and glitter and whatnot. And really, if you look at this project, it doesn't have to be about scrap-booking at all.

The 5 Year Journal is, essentially, a list of 365 prompts to follow - one question per day. You can write a word, a sentence, a paragraph, or an essay - the idea is to have some record of your day, every day for a year and then start over next year with the same questions. After five years you'll be able to not only look back at the goings-on of years past, you can compare and contrast the entries for the same day year to year and see how time changes your answers to the same questions.

I don't know if I'll do this for five years, but I am intrigued by the idea of having a ready-made prompt every single day to get me started. Knowing that some days, when I'm up for it, I'll write a lot. But other days, when I don't feel like even looking at my Mac (Her name is Mrs. Mackey, by the way - and she is married to Mr. Mackey - Randy's Mac. I know - we rocked it coming up with creative names.) I can answer a question in as little as a word or sentence and instantly have a record for the day.

My plan is to try and do the 5 Year Journal every day. Some days the simple prompt answer will be all I blog. Some days I'll use the prompt as a jumping off point for a more in-depth blog entry that highlights something I would have written about anyway. Sometimes I may tweak a prompt if I feel that it would be more suited to my needs. Also - I'll be perfectly honest right from the get-go: I will most likely not physically post every day. I may miss a few days or a week and write all those posts at once, back-dating them to the appropriate day. Also, there probably won't be photos for every entry. Its not ideal, but life is busy, and also its my blog and I can do what I want. :)

With no further ado......Let the 5 Year Journal begin!

January 1: What is your number one goal?
See yesterday's post. I think that will suffice as my answer for this prompt!

I will do today's prompt in a separate post. Two posts in one day! Might be a record for me. :)

New Year = Everything Will Now Be Amazing

2012-01-01T16:50:00.000-08:00

So I've been known to go to extremes. Maybe. Sometimes. So says my mother. And probably everyone else who has ever met me. When I find a new band or album I like I listen to it and only it for two months and then I don't want to hear it again for a year. Same with my food fads. When my plans get changed at the last minute I tend to overreact a tad and let it ruin my day. So its no surprise that I place a lot of emphasis on the beginnings of things - weeks, months, and of course, years. I never start a diet or work-out plan or really anything in the middle of the week. Truthfully, if I had my way I'd always start new projects or goals on the first day of the month.....and it would be really helpful if the first day of the month was also a Sunday or Monday. I guess I like things to be tidy. You can imagine, then, that the start of an ENTIRELY NEW year has ALL of the circuits firing in my brain. Its like a fireworks display in there.

Now logically I know that there is nothing magical about the clock switching over from 11:59 to 12:00 on December 31. There is no cosmic shift that happens. But the fresh-new-start molecules in the core of my being don't care. They jump on the NEW YEAR bandwagon like there's no yesterday and fill my mind with momentum and optimism. Which sounds great.....except that its fantasy level, nothing-will-ever-live-up-to-it type optimism. The kind that tends to be short-lived if not reined in and carefully monitored.

Love me some Liz Lemon. I feel like this a LOT.

And I really am trying to rein it in. A little. Kind of. But this year has some special significance for me that is making it difficult to not go overboard. First, this will be the year of mine and Randy's (is that grammatically correct? I can't think of a good way to phrase that. Kara - almost master of the English language - enlighten me!) TENTH WEDDING ANNIVERSARY!!!!!!!!! 10!!!! Also, this will be the first full year in several which will be unmarred by invasive medical treatments for infertility. It really does feel like a brand new start - an opportunity to become wonderful. An opportunity that I am going to seize - likely without much restraint, as foolish as it may be.

I have placed some basic restraints on myself, though. I'm not completely uncivilized. Randy and I have been working hard today writing real, achievable goals and creating a master calendar to schedule all of our goals and activities so that the year doesn't slip away unnoticed. I guess, overall, we are trying to be more purposeful about 2012. We don't want life this year to just happen to us - we want to make the most of it. So along with our sensible, bulleted, measurable goal list I decided to create a visual reminder of how I want my 2012 to look. I used Tagxedo to create my "word cloud" and it was so much fun that I became a little obsessed with making all kinds of word clouds (hence my aforementioned going to extremes issue). Here is the Hitched and Stitched World Debut of my 2012 Goals word cloud. (And seriously - you should totally go make one of these. I made the below cloud in three different shapes as well as one for Zipper (our wiener dog), one for Valentines Day and one about infertility before I made myself stop and continue living my regularly scheduled life.)

If you're still with me - bonus points for you! I know its not always super interesting to read about someone else's New Years resolutions. So I'll shut up about mine for a while - I'm going to start a new blog project tomorrow. But I felt like I absolutely COULD NOT start the new year on Hitched and stitched without setting the tone for what I am calling The Year of Kim. But I know that sounds incredibly obnoxious so I'll only call it that in my head from now on. Its not meant to be obnoxious - only to help me focus as I begin to reclaim some of what infertility and pregnancy loss has taken from me and start taking care of myself again. I hope 2012 holds wonderfull-ness for all of us, even if we do put a bit too much emphasis on its beginnings.

2011-12-30T14:32:00.000-08:00

So Christmas has come and gone and part of me wants to write a moving and comprehensive composition about the emotions involved in our first post-treatment holiday season. But a bigger part of me is tired. And lazy. And content to leave the bulk of those emotions trapped in their little hiding spot - a spot which has become more reliable as a holding cell over the past few months, allowing me many greatly needed days of peace. But a spot, nonetheless, which still has only tenuous control over the monster it contains and must be closely monitored. Wow - those last two sentences took a turn I wasn't expecting. Anyway, back in sanity-land, as I was saying - the bigger part of me - the lazy part is winning out. So I'm going to go for a minimalist approach and try to sum it all up with one photo and a short description:

This is Daniel and me on Christmas day. And yes - he is wearing a Santa suit, in case you were wondering. It was a blast watching him experience his first Christmas. It was also exhausting watching him experience his first Christmas. Or rather, it was exhausting watching everyone watch him experience his first Christmas - wishing I had gotten to experience it as a parent rather than an aunt. Feeling relegated to a life of being the next best thing. Worried that I don't matter as much as I would if I brought a child to the mix. Ashamed of myself for worrying about it. And the cycle goes on and on.

So to sum up: Christmas was about 80% fun/cozy/happy/relaxing and only about 20% anxiety/longing/aching/less-than-ness. I'd call that a success.

Owlettes

2011-12-01T14:13:00.000-08:00

We made owl hats for Kara's 8-year-old twin nieces. I think they're owlfully cute. Ugh....I know, I know - but I had to. :) Initially I wasn't totally on board with Kara's color choices - I was worried that white yarn and pink eyes might look a tad albino-y. But she was right - they ended up looking wintery and girly - exactly what we were going for!

Whooooo's There?

2011-11-17T14:58:00.000-08:00

Ollie the Owl - Sold at Birds of a Feather Fair

Hi Friends! Hopefully there are still some of you out there! I know I've really been slacking with the blog posting lately. There are so many things to focus on right now that I keep forgetting some of them! We are deep in the midst of holiday custom order crafting, plus we have a lot more holiday festivities to attend this year.

I'm excited by the latter, but also a little overwhelmed. Even though we're somewhat more settled this year from an infertility standpoint (as in we are not in the midst of surgeries and procedures and have moved out of that life phase) we're still not "over" it by any means. Last year we kind of skipped the entire season, keeping our heads down and busying ourselves with craft shows and travel, in an effort to insulate ourselves from the real world. This year we are dipping our toes back in.....cautiously. And we have no idea how we will fare emotionally. On one hand, we want to live life and have fun and enjoy our family and friends. On the other, we're afraid of looking too put together and not receiving the leeway we still need in these situations. The fact is, I'm still adjusting to the new dynamics in my extended family created by my sister becoming a mother. It is difficult for me to see my family members doting on her as a mother figure, even though I love having my nephew around. And Randy's extended family is big and ever expanding - many small children including a newborn, and at least one very pregnant person, for good measure. While both of our families are supportive and understanding of our situation, we're all still learning. We are now in uncharted territory and there are no social norms for us to fall back on.

I guess I need to make an open plea for patience from everyone I encounter this season. I may look more put together than last year, but I'm still recovering from something that nearly tore my heart in two, and that is a slow process. I'm going to give myself permission to take breaks from the action when I start to feel a little unglued and I'm going to try and remember the things about me that are worthwhile and good even when they are all covered up by my feelings of inadequacy that stem from my childless status. Hopefully, I will come out on the other side. :)

2011-11-05T18:57:00.000-07:00

Working our knitting fingers to the bone to get ready for the Birds of a Feather Fair tomorrow! Check out this sweet daisy hat. Body knitted by Randy, flower crocheted by me (who knew I could crochet something more than a chain)!

2011-11-04T18:49:00.000-07:00

I almost can't stand this guy, he's so cute. I've been wanting to make a snowman hat for a while now - but was kind of intimidated. But in the end it was really no big deal. I see many more in my future!

Green Bean

2011-11-03T18:44:00.000-07:00

This is a Randy original creation that we call the Green Bean hat. He made about 4 of these several months ago, and now its finally time to debut them! We gave one with earflaps to Daniel - now that its getting cooler out we can get a few action shots to share soon!

Squirrel's Delight

2011-11-02T18:42:00.000-07:00

I've been wanting to make an acorn hat for over a year now and finally got around to it!

Ollie the Owl Hat

2011-11-01T18:35:00.000-07:00

Meet Ollie! I think he's super cute with a little smack of creepy. :) He will debut at the Birds of a Feather Fair on Sunday, but you can order another just like him in any color combo you'd like at Hitched and Stitched's Website!

Sweet Treats

2011-10-31T08:17:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween from Hitched and Stitched! Halloween is one of our favorite times of year around these parts (aka our living room). We love wearing costumes, eating caramel apples and popcorn, watching Garfield's Halloween Adventure, and knitting by the light of our (fake) jack o'lanterns. We're gearing up for the Birds of a Feather Fair on Nov. 6 -so for the rest of the week, H&S Blog (Hitched and Stitched - trying out a new abbreviation!) will be featuring a new product each day that you might see at our booth as we count down to the fair. But we couldn't skip over Halloween - so we'll kick things off with pics of some sweet treats we made last week. (These were one-time-only treats - you won't be seeing them at the fair - sorry!)

Busy Little.....Birds

2011-10-10T16:30:00.000-07:00

Hello out there! Anyone still around? We're finally back from our LOOOONG summer blog break and we're working our little feathers off, getting ready for our ONLY craft show of the season, Birds of a Feather Fair on November 6. Check out the link - Hitched and Stitched is featured on their site today!

Why only one fair? Last year our every-weekend-fair-hopping season was fun, but exhausting and we just weren't up for it this year. We're going to focus more on custom orders and online business. Why THIS fair? We chose Birds of a Feather Fair because its the first modern handmade craft fair in Northern Kentucky and its in its fledgling stages - this will be its inaugural year. We are super excited about supporting a burgeoning modern craft movement in our back yard and we hope everyone in the area will come and do a little early holiday shopping on November 6 at the Florence Hilton!

Summer Berries

2011-07-19T13:48:00.000-07:00

So I know that I am SUPER late for the 4th of July - blame it on camp season - but I'm posting about our dessert anyway. We had a really low-key Independence Day weekend, spending most of it cleaning (you're jealous, I know), but we did stop working long enough for a mini cook-out. I thought we should have something festive, so I threw together these berry "parfaits". Parfaits is probably a generous way to describe them, because they consisted only of layers of strawberries, blueberries, and Cool Whip. Maybe I'll call it a Lazy Girl Parfait. Anyway, I thought they were pretty, so I took photos!

How to Make a Chocolate Chip-Oreo Love Child

2011-07-01T14:29:00.000-07:00

I can't take credit for this idea - I saw it on Pinterest a while back and even as a non-chocolate-lover I stopped to take notice. I can, however take credit for the brilliant idea (because I'm sure I'm the first person in the history of the planet to have this idea) of using 100% store-bought ingredients. I executed this diabolical plan around 2 am the night before/day of Randy's birthday and I just happened to have my trusty new iPhone with me to document the process:

Step 1: Get a husband or friend who likes chocolate to have a birthday. Or I suppose you could make them for yourself if you yourself like chocolate for some reason.

Step 2: Buy a package of Double Stuff Oreos and some chocolate chip cookie dough. For maximum laziness purposes, I suggest the type of dough that is already pre-formed into perfect cookie portions. Also, if you happen to have some Hershey Bars lying around the house leftover from your husband's last go around with s'mores (since you don't like s'mores, even if it makes you a bad Girl Scout), go ahead and throw those into the mix, for garnish.

Step 3: Get the chocolate chip cookie dough ball ready for its big date by slimming down a bit (flatten it with the palm of your hand). Then, gingerly introduce the Oreo, ensuring that you provide them plenty of time for small talk and to get to know each other.

Step 4: This next part could get a bit awkward, as you are going to introduce a third party to the romance. Place another flattened chocolate chip cookie dough ball on top of the Oreo. Don't worry - they'll grow to love each other in time.

Step 5: Much like at a middle school dance, you will need to encourage mingling. Smoosh the sides of the cookies together, completely encasing the Oreo in a chocolate chip cookie bear-hug. Repeat Steps 3 - 5 until you run out of chocolate chip cookie dough. Then eat a couple of the leftover Oreos and remember how much you like them, despite their chocolatey nature.

Step 6: Place your Hershey Bar garnishes on top and put your Frankenstein cookie creations into the oven that you preheated even though I didn't tell you to, because you are proactive. While you wait, eat a couple more Oreos and perform the "experiment" wherein you make a quadruple stuff Oreo out of two Double Stuff Oreos.

<quadruple stuff Oreo not pictured due to extreme distraction caused by eating quadruple stuff Oreo>

Step 7: Check on your little darlings after about five minutes. Most likely, they have become unruly and started spreading all over the place, trying to morph into unattractive blobs (similar to how I'm starting to look after eating the quadruple stuff Oreos). Crack the whip - that is to say - the spatula! Get those cookies back in line and mold them into round, respectable fellows.

Step 8: Leave your cookies in the oven a little longer than the package recommends, since you have more than doubled their size. Keep checking on them and when they look golden delicious, snatch them up (use a potholder). Once they've cooled, place them on a cute red plate and admire.

Step 9: Try to resist the urge to cut a cookie in half to see it in all its glory. Resistance is futile - cave in and cut away.

Step 10: (Even though the process is essentially complete, you have to have a Step 10 because the ever expanding Mr. Monk part of your brain absolutely WILL NOT tolerate having only 9 steps.) Be glad that you went ahead and cut a cookie open once you see how scrumptious it looks in the photo. Be seduced by the scrumtiousness and take a bite only to discover that its just too much chocolate for you. Decide to leave the rest for your husband or chocolate-loving friend and stick to the safe confines of Oreos. Delight in watching their head nearly explode when they see the awesomeness you have created for them.

Birthday Adventure Time

2011-06-28T12:05:00.000-07:00

Feeling kinda lazy lately + lots of other things to do = photo heavy blog posts here at Hitched and Stitched. Randy and I are currently in the process of taking back our lives (we'll let you know when this has happened) and hope to get into some kind of regular posting routine soon. Until then, we hope you enjoy looking at lots of pictures. Actually the pictures are probably better because, as you know - each one is worth 1000 words - so this post is technically something like 14,000 words long. Sweet - now I don't feel like a slacker at all. I'm actually an overachiever!

Anyway, please (try to) enjoy a photo tour of the official 2011 Hitched and Stitched Birthdays. (For those of you who don't know, Randy and I were born exactly 7 days apart in the same year, so June includes a LOT of combined celebrating.) We've moved passed getting each other many traditional gifts on birthdays/anniversaries/Christmas in favor of a fun big purchase for both of us to enjoy or special trips/activities. We MUCH prefer this system. This year we decided to each plan a surprise day of fun for each other and we both ended up centering our activities around a theme all day. Without further ado, our birthday outings in 2 parts:

Part One: Randy

For Randy's birthday we were sent on a scavenger hunt by Doc Brown who was inexplicably trapped without a flux capacitor in a year he couldn't identify. He needed Randy to follow the clues he sent to deduce his whereabouts in time. Spoiler Alert: the year was 1979 (which coincidentally is the year Randy and I were born). The day included stops all over the tri-state accompanied by a soundtrack of Billboard Top 100 hits from 1979. Here's a peek from the day:

Part Two: Kimmie

The overall theme for my birthday was "A Very Pinteresting Birthday" because I am supremely addicted to the website Pinterest - a kind of online bullitin board where you can "pin" and organizes images you like from anywhere online onto different boards you create. People use pinboards to plan their weddings, decorate their homes, and organize their favorite recipes. Also, it allows you to browse pinboards created by other friends and even other random people. Basically, its an internet black hole that sucks up WAY too much of my time (and even more now that I have the iPhone app). Randy realized it is also an excellent tool for figuring out what someone is interested in without having to ask them and spoil surprises. He created a pinboard on Pinterest just for my birthday that gave me clues as to what would be happening throughout the day.

The theme of our outing for the day was PIZZA CRAWL! Randy realizes that my first true love was pizza - and he knows how to use it to get straight to my heart. We sampled pizza from three different restaurants around the area and made local touristy stops between each to let the previous pizza digest a bit. Our favorite pizza was the Barbecue Chicken White Pizza from Mt. Adams Pizza and Deli, and our favorite stop was the Cincinnati Art Museum to see the Circus Poster exhibit.

We have declared our birthday adventures raging successes and we loved the Pizza crawl idea so much that we want to plan all kinds of crawls. Ideas so far include: ice cream crawl, park crawl, museum crawl, Chinese food crawl. Stay tuned for more!

Encampment

2011-06-16T02:29:00.000-07:00

I know I haven't been around much lately, but most of June was a blur for me because of this place. Please enjoy a brief photographic essay on Girl Scout Outreach Day Camp. (Special shout out goes to Miss Sara Marksberry - my trusty side-kick through the somewhat rocky but always entertaining 2nd week!)

In the dining hall - one of the things I love about the camp is the advanced age of many of the structures. Makes me feel like I'm in The Parent Trap. (You know, the real one with Hayley Mills.)

One day for lunch we were served hot dogs. On hamburger buns. I understand that they are the same as a hot dog buns only in a different shape (like spaghetti and penne). But try explaining that with any success to a picky 6 year old who is already leery of the "burn marks" on the nicely grilled dog.

During our second week the camp ranger was setting this up for a group coming in the week after us. We had no idea that we owned such a thing. Now that the cat's out of the bag, I think we might be requesting this next year. I think it would make an excellent home base for the directors :).

One thing at lunch that nearly everyone ate happily. I say nearly everyone because I don't particularly like watermelon. (Please send your hate mail to KimKnowsSheIsUnamericanForDislikingWatermelonAndChocolate@yourmom.com)

Ahh- tie dye. The craft I have a love-hate relationship with. I run the tie dye station every year. And every year I HATE tie dye while I'm setting up the gallons of water that must be carried from the dining hall out to the picnic tables and mixing the endless bottles of dye which gets EVERYWHERE and soaking and wringing out hundreds of t-shirts in the soda ash solution that dries out my hands and comforting a panicked child who just got dye on her pants after she was REPEATEDLY warned not to walk around the table with the dye bottle in hand and finally convincing skeptical girls to WEAR GLOVES only to watch them take the gloves off when finished with their shirt and then dip their hands into the puddles of dye leftover on the tables because it "looked fun". And then the next day I start to forget all of that and begin daydreaming about what dye designs I'll use next year. And when next year rolls around I'll sign up for the fun all over again.

This long and painstaking process which results in to weeks during which we bus girls out to the wilds of camp from their city neighborhoods is so involved and full of stories that I can't even begin to chronicle it all here. But I will leave you with my most potent memory of camp this year - what will affect ME (not just the Work Me). This year we had a very high number of girls who came to camp without something important that they needed. Particularly bathing suits and/or shorts. A tiny little fire cracker of a girl named London told me she forgot her suit the first day so I gave her some shorts and a shirt we had in our "extras" stash to swim in that first day. The next day she told me she forgot her suit AND the clothes I had given her and could she please have some more clothes to swim in. After some digging we learned that she didn't just forget her suit - she doesn't own one. We were able to get her a suit on the third day and when I called her over to give it to her she took one look at it and screamed. "Its PINK! And I can keep it?!?" I nodded yes and the smile she flashed actually gave me goosebumps. She attacked me with a bear hug adding, "my momma's gonna be SO happy!"

While London's reaction was by far the most dynamic, her situation was not particularly unique. We'd notice a girl wearing heavy, too-big jeans (the same pair each day) in 90 degree heat and find out from her leader that she also didn't bring a bathing suit. We'd investigate and learn that she doesn't own a suit OR shorts. In every case we were able to provide the missing clothing article and allow the girls to feel normal - one of the group. Perhaps the most striking situation we had like this was that of Maria. She was about 6 years old, face-meltingly adorable, enthusiastic, teensy-tiny, and spoke very broken English. She came to camp the first day (90 degree high) wearing a a school uniform shirt, school uniform pants, and heavy sneakers that were at least twice as big as her actual feet. We asked her if she had shorts or a t-shirt she could wear the next day but we weren't sure how much she was comprehending. The next day she arrived wearing the same shoes and pants and, instead of a short sleeved uniform shirt she wore a long sleeved turtle neck. We found shorts and a t-shirt for her. And this sort of thing just kept happening - at a rate about 9 times higher than in previous years.

Randy and I were discussing this trend, these girls, and I told him about one of our volunteers who helped us get many of the bathing suits we handed out. She is involved in her city community center and with various social programs where she routinely encounters kids who don't have basic stuff they need (proper shoes, bathing suit, shorts etc.). So she makes it a point in her everyday life to look for kids and teen bathing suits (among other items) at yard sales and thrift stores and whenever she finds them she buys them all up, takes them home and washes them, and maintains a stash to pull from whenever she finds a kid who needs something. We were bowled over by how amazingly simple but potentially life changing this one little act could be. Sure, a bathing suit doesn't sound life changing at first gander. But think about it. Think about being a kid. At a community center with a pool. And you have no bathing suit. Many pools have rules against wearing street clothes in the water. So you're out. Ineligible. You will miss out on all of those experiences so fundamental to childhood in the summer. You will feel alienated and deprived. You will feel different. When you think about it like that, a bathing suit can be life changing. And it just takes someone like me, who makes enough money to buy a bathing suit AND a pool membership AND a trip to Florida to spend pocket change and spare time to make it happen. My question to myself is: Why would I NOT do something like this?!?

Hitched and Stitched

2011-06-15T19:10:00.000-07:00

Remember how I said there were big changes in store for The Spotted Elephant? Its time to unveil some of them RIGHT NOW! I think I'm embarrassingly excited about this and I'm afraid I've built it up a bit too much.... but its just nice to be excited about something again! And so, without further ado....

We're Moving! And changing the name of the blog AND our business! Eep! Why would we do this? The main reason for the change is that we want to break into the Etsy world and, wouldn't you know it - there are other Spotted Elephants out there. In fact, there is a Spotted Elephant Boutique which is doing lots of business selling (of course) baby and children's items. And as much as we love the Elephant, we certainly can't take over the world with a repeat name. At first, the idea of changing our name and identity was difficult to swallow - but the more we thought about it the more it made sense and began to sound like a great idea.

The Spotted Elephant started out as just my little blog in 2006 (and even that was originally called Zipperific for a short time) - a disjointed place where I occasionally wrote about random topics for the fun of it. Back then, I rarely even crafted and had just learned to knit. In 2009 I started using The Spotted Elephant as my business name for the custom crafts I would sell once in a blue moon. But so much has changed even since then. The most important change being the addition of Randy to the team. Of course he was always there for moral support, but in 2010 he became an integral part of the actual production team as well - knitting hats, piecing quilts, building display structures, designing our website, and plotting our eventual world take-over.

When I reflect on how much of a joint venture this is now, changing our name to reflect that seems like the only thing that makes sense. We have felt a sense of "us against the world" during certain times of turmoil that has bonded us even more closely than we already were (and we're coming up on 18 years of bonding time - as we met 18 years ago come August - WOAH - typing that number has floored me a little.) And this time of reinventing our lives as solidly childless (for now) has caused us to want to loudly celebrate the things we do have going for us - the biggest, bestest of which, is our marriage/friendship/partnership. In other words, we love us. I know - we can be kind of unbearably happily-ever-after at times. But we feel like we've earned it and we're going to publicly revel in it for a while (think of it as our version of a wallet full of photos of our kids).

So. Without FURTHER ado.... we are pleased to introduce.....

Hitched and Stitched

Get it? Because we're hitched.....and we stitch. I guess it doesn't really need that much explanation. :)

Hitched and Stitched will be our new business name (we will be converting The SpottedElephant.com to HitchedAndStitched.com) and the new name of the blog. From here on out, this blog is moving, and we're tickled pink to invite you to drop in at our new address (if that's not where you're viewing us from already!):

www.hitchedandstitched.blogspot.com

More on why we decided to move from Wordpress to Blogger in a later post. For now, bask with us in the glow of our shiny new space and get acquainted with the new surroundings. I'm sure that as we settle in we'll do some rearranging and redecorating from time to time, but for the time being, we're proud as can be of our new little home. Stop by and see us!

P.S. I know you're probably not worried at all about Sweet Pea (the Spotted Elephant), because unlike me you probably don't anthropomorphize everything you come into contact with- but if you are worrying, don't! Sweet Pea is not going to get left behind or forgotten (ohana). We've packed him up along with is peanut stash, and he's moving with us and will still be a part of the parent "company" - probably as the mascot of a future product line. Ha - don't we sound fancy - product line!

Party Pouches

2011-06-15T14:04:00.000-07:00

Check out the making-of the change purses we custom-created for a 7-year-old's birthday party. The party theme was "Girls Night In" and featured a movie and snack bar from which the guests had to purchase their refreshments (with play money provided by the host). Enter the personalized change purses complete with wristlet feature to meet the needs of the modern 7-year-old about town. They were given to each guest as party favors and were, I'm told, a big hit.

The friend of a friend who ordered the pouches had the idea for them but was super flexible about the particulars - she just told me she wanted them to be girly, have a secure closure, and preferably be personalized with a wristlet. Colors, patterns, shape, and construction methods were left up to me. This is the kind of project I LOVE - I'm not really great with precision, as I think I've mentioned before. So I fiddled around with ideas and made a couple of prototypes to figure out the way they worked best for me, and then I went to town- one-woman-assembly style.

I got so into making these change purses that I cut out fabric for extras to sell on my (yet to be fully launched) Etsy shop. Have I done a thing with them? NO (but I'm blaming two weeks of helping run Girl Scout camp). Anyway - loved making these and loved working with my friend's friend. And some glorious someday, when I finally launch the Etsy shop, maybe it will feature some pouches like this!

A Trip To Terry's

2011-05-25T13:18:00.000-07:00

Randy and I wanted to try something new for dinner and we were in the mood for burgers, so we took Guy Fieri's advice and went to Terry's Turf Club in Mt. Washington because it is, according to him, "legitimately wild". And because it lays claim to Ohio's Best Burger, according to Food Network Magazine. Lately we've been giving in to our more timid and lazy tendencies and finding excuses not to branch out and go to new places like we used to love to do. I think we are afraid of what would amount to restaurant failure - the food being bad, the atmosphere being too stressful, the whole thing generally being a hassle (ugh - we sound so boring). But we pushed ourselves out of our nest and hopped over to Terry's. And despite having to wait 30 minutes outside in the drizzle for a table AND having to sit at the bar, I can still report.....It. Was. Amazing.

The burgers are enormous - I'm thinking at least 1/3 pound and come with all kinds of fancy topping options. Randy got his with bleu cheese, caramelized onions, and a roasted red pepper/goat cheese sauce. I opted for Swiss cheese, caramelized onions, and a burgundy wine sauce with wild mushrooms and truffles. I had to ask for a knife and fork to eat mine because it was literally 3x the width of my open mouth. My eating method earned me some good-natured trash talk from Terry - THE Terry - but it was worth it. Please enjoy a photographic tour of the awesomeness that is Terry's Turf Club. All photos taken with Randy's iPod, Hipstomatic app.

Terry's at first glance:

This sign is fun...except I don't think they serve hot dogs...

The decor WAS legitimately wild...and I'd imagine a bit over-stimulating for those who suffer from attention deficits.

One of the first times sitting at the bar to eat was potentially more enjoyable than having a private table. One thing that struck me about Terry's was that the staff all legitimately seemed to be having a good time, which was especially refreshing.

Fun stuff to look at while waiting for our burgers, including several of these colorful, metallic, cylindrical beer coolers.

Burgers.....glorious burger - dripping with burgundy wine sauce. And look at that luscious bun.

And now, to roll out of the restaurant and try to squeeze into the car.

Replacement

2011-05-18T13:01:00.000-07:00

I was cleaning out my closet and found these books buried in a bag I have not touched in two years. They had been packed in that bag and taken as my reading material during an ill-fated Memorial Day weekend trip that ended with my first miscarriage. We bought the books on the way home from the doctor's office after our initial positive blood test. We were elated and naive, thinking we had made it - and we decided to mark the occasion by purchasing our first pregnancy books. When the pregnancy ended I couldn't bear to look at the books or even think about them. I never unpacked my bag and instead scooted it to a dark corner of my closet, deciding to deal with it later.

And now its later. Since we have reached the end of our medical treatments and most likely the end of our chances of pregnancy, I have decided its time to end my relationship with these books as well. I couldn't let them go before because maybe I'd still need them and letting them go also meant having to deal with the possibility of failure. But now its time - I want them gone. They are from my old life - a place I don't want to live anymore. Of course it is possible that I will need them some day - stranger things have happened. But that is what libraries are for. And so I am donating those books and replacing them with these. Moving on and accepting where I am.

Window Pane Aviary

2011-05-17T13:06:00.000-07:00

Kim (from Surviving Motherhood) and I share more than our name - we are both struggling with infertility and have found a common bond in that experience, though she is dealing with secondary infertility. (Did you know that people who already have children can still experience infertility? It happens more often than you'd think - I have four long-time friends currently caught in its clutches.)

Kim's infertility struggle brought her to my little corner of the interwebz and she decided to order a baby quilt for her cousin. She wanted something in shades of purple with the baby's name added somewhere on the quilt. Not being a huge purple fan myself, I was worried I would have trouble finding fabric we both liked - and then I stumbled upon the Aviary 2 collection in lilac and kinda fell in love. With purple fabric. Who knew? And Kim loved it too. The purples are deep and and complex and paired with spring greens and sky blues. After I ordered it I kept seeing the same color palate in the early spring foliage everywhere I went.

I loved working with the fabric and the quilt top came together in no time. I LOVED using an asymmetrical pattern in the lay-out because 1) I like asymmetrical things and 2) NO SEAMS TO LINE UP! And yes - that sentiment DOES deserve all caps - especially from a quilter (like me) for whom precision does not come naturally.

Once I pieced the top together, Randy and I made a trek up to The Fabric Shack in Waynesville, OH - kind of a fabric Mecca - to find backing and binding fabric. I didn't order any from the same line because I thought: "I'll get that stuff at JoAnn's - it will be cheaper than ordering and simple to match up." FAIL. I didn't realize how difficult it is to match up shades of purple and how few aesthetically pleasing purple fabrics there are to be had. Hence the trip to The Fabric Shack - where we did find suitable options - but even there they were few and far between.

After I had the quilt front, batting, and backing sandwiched together and safety-pin basted I was feeling so in the zone that I thought it would be a great idea to try out hand quilting it. You know, for the experience. I'd sit on the couch next to Randy and watch my favorite shows and feel so connected to the quilt.

This lasted for about 20 minutes until I realized that my hand quilting looks like it was done by a blind 6-year-old.

I'll need a lot more practice before rolling out any hand quilted beauties. So out came the seam ripper and we went back to our regularly scheduled machine-stitched programming. Since the piecing on this quilt is so asymmetrical it didn't make sense to quilt along the all the seams, so I decided to stitch series of horizontal lines about 1/2 inch apart. I really like the effect and the added smoothness that comes from having no intersecting lines.

And so, with no further ado...presenting the Window Pane Aviary Quilt!

And NO Kara from My Other Car is A Crane - this is not for you! Stop asking!

I can't wait to start working on the next quilt! Anyone interested?

10 Squared

2011-05-10T13:14:00.000-07:00

I'm finally doing a 10 on 10 post after months of saying I was going to. 10 on 10 is a blog project in which people take 1 photo per hour for 10 hours on the 10th of each month. Go here to check out the project and some of the amazing blogs that participate. Its fun to catch a glimpse of people's day from all over the globe. And here's a glimpse at mine!

(For an explaination of this rather cryptic post-it, click here to visit Kara - it will be worth it!)

Words

2011-05-08T11:20:00.000-07:00

I have always found comfort in words. Reading them, writing them, hearing them, and dissecting them. I'm pretty certain I was the only one in my high school class who was regularly reprimanded for submitting papers that were too long. When I needed a self confidence boost a few years back, my solution was to start this blog - a place to write words. And today it was words spoken and written by friends and family that carried me through. Thank you to everyone in my life who has reminded me that I am a mother on this day that has been looming over me like a storm cloud for weeks now. I am humbled by the understanding and empathy poured out to me by so many people. As much as I love words, I don't think I could possibly convey how healing it is for my soul. The thoughtful Facebook messages, texts, blog comments, and e-mails really helped keep my head above water this weekend. And the following just blew me away:

Flowers from Randy's parents with one of the kindest and most impactful messages I've ever received.

A gift from my parents filled with healing words - some that I'll share here and some that I'll keep for myself. The card that accompanied the gift made me cry immediately - but its a cry I wanted to have and a card I'm SO glad I got.

The card came with a couple of very thoughtful gifts, one of which featured more healing words. This necklace, accompanied by this message:

My oldest friend, Mandi, sent me this card (and a little hope pocket charm), which is so refreshingly straightforward with no trite promises or cliched platitudes.

Perhaps though, my favorite words from this card were the ones she wrote inside which I hope she doesn't mind me sharing here: Mother's Day must feel like getting kicked in the emotional nuts. Yes - it does - and I'm so lucky to have friends and family who get it.

Simon Commands You

2011-05-06T03:01:00.000-07:00

There is a force in every child's life- a force which is almost more powerful than nature itself. And that force is called Simon. No matter the neighborhood or socio-economic status, the Word of Simon is obeyed without question by every child within earshot. And so, my colleagues and I have learned to harness the almighty power of Simon to use as a tool in our group management arsenal.

We have other tools to get the girls' attention and cooperation: "clap once if you can hear my voice...clap two times if you can hear my voice"....and so on until everyone is listening or "Hey Hey Girl Scouts!"....(hopefully followed by a chorus of "Hey Hey Miss Kim!"). But none work as unfailingly as The Word of Simon. "Simon says, put your hand on your head. Simon says, wave to your neighbor. Simon says, put you hand on your shoulder. Simon says, put your hand over your mouth and listen to these instructions." Its effectiveness is actually quite amazing. Its like the girls don't have a choice - they are compelled to do whatever Simon tells them, whether they want to or not.

My colleagues and I have been tapping into Simon's incredible power for years now, but we just stopped to marvel at it this week. It really never fails us. The room may have dissolved into utter pandemonium - crayons flying, shrieks and giggles filling the air - but if Simon's Word comes down, the compliance is swift and unyielding. No one is immune - from the super distracted child who is sitting on the floor picking crayon shavings out of the carpet to the tough-girl who is impressed by nothing and already thinks of us as "the man" at 7 years old. Everyone drinks Simon's kool-aid. I almost feel guilty for unleashing something so powerfully mind-controlling. Almost.

M-Day

2011-05-03T08:56:00.000-07:00

Armageddon is coming and it is disguised as a perfectly sweet and innocent, Halmark-filled, basking-in-the-goodness-of-warmth-and-comfort, wouldn't-hurt-a-fly, national holiday. And no amount of newfound freedom and optimism on my part can protect me from the perils it brings. I speak of course, of....of....I don't know if I can say it. M-m-m... Try again. M-M-m-mother's Day. Many people do not know how dangerous it is - how insidious. They don't know that it can eviscerate even the most battle-hardened infertile person, transforming her (albeit usually temporarily) into a bitter, world-hating, self-doubting volcano of rage and tears ready to explode at the slightest stimuli, from the Mother's Day Sale sign in the store window to the Facebook post encouraging us to say thanks to our moms.

Luckily for you, you have an inside source on the matter. You will know the truth! As you might expect, Mother's Day can be the hardest day of the year for an infertile woman. Its true that all holidays are difficult, as they generally revolve around family and children, but this one is the mother of them all (ha! see- I can be funny AND bitter!). Its kind of a nightmare scenario for us. A day when all the women who already have everything we so desperately seek are honored and showered with gifts just for being lucky enough to have the very thing we can't. ACK! And on top of that, we have our own mothers to think about. Awesome, selfless, kind, and generous mothers who deserve to be honored because of how much they've done for us. But honoring our mothers on this day requires us to participate in the unholy abomination that is currently driving us mad!

So please excuse me for a while from polite society until the beast within retreats from the forefront. You won't see me on Facebook much this weekend as I can't bear to see status updates from my friends reporting on the breakfast-in-bed that their awesome kids and husband arranged for them. Profile pictures of my friends in joyous embraces with their children that already knock the wind out of me on a daily basis will prove too lethal this weekend. Church services are a breeding ground for unintentional heartache on Mother's day - no solace for my weary soul. And family events, no matter how understanding the family, are just recipes for disaster.

I think Randy and I will find something else to occupy our time and attention on Sunday and practice the "avoidance" strategy of coping. Or just maybe, I might make/buy myself a gift, as I am just as much a mother in spirit and intention as anyone out there - even though I have no one to make me handprint art or bring me burnt toast with a vase of dandelions on Sunday morning.

*Above photo taken with my new Canon Rebel T3i in Randy's parents' back yard.

Changes

2011-05-02T01:53:00.000-07:00

There's nothing quite like life's door slamming in your face to motivate you to make sweeping changes where you can. I'm sure its a control thing - trying to exert control over the details of life that I am still (to some extent) in charge of. So in that vein, I'm announcing some big changes for The Spotted Elephant - the blog and the business.

Well, kind of. There are big changes coming, and I am announcing that....but that's all I'm saying for now. We aren't quite ready to reveal everything yet - but we are super excited about them and wanted to give a couple hints. Hint: a name change is coming! Another Hint: an Etsy shop is in the works! (BTW: I thought the cat was pretty well out of the bag about Etsy - what it is, etc., but I recently found out that my own sister had never heard of it. SO - if you are currently thinking "what's an Etsy?" please click the link and check it out - amazing online handmade marketplace!)

*Picture above taken with my new Cannon Rebel T3i at Girl Scouts during our water experimentation day. Its a picture of change. Get it? :)

...the rest of our lives

2011-05-01T12:52:00.000-07:00

Hello there. I haven't been around these parts much lately. I took some time off from cyber-world to breathe and really, to figure out who I am now that I am officially no longer trying to conceive. It occured to Randy and I recently that its been five years since we have just been us- living our life for what it is instead of for what we need it to be. Five years since we have had goals that weren't colored by our desperate quest. Five years since we haven't been carrying the extra weight that accompanies the sometimes invisible but ever present stress of trying, trying, trying. Five years since we haven't spent every day failing.

We dreamed of the day when we were finally released from the purgatory of trying - and often worried that it wouldn't be as freeing as we hoped. But our new circumstances have proven surprisingly liberating. The world seems full of promise for the first time in years. We want to live life and have fun and make plans and start projects and be sociable and delight in what we do have - each other. Don't get me wrong - I wish we had been successful. I wish our lost children were here in our arms. Nothing we do now will ever make up for our losses, and no one will ever convince me that they are part of a bigger plan that will work out for the best. But this is where we are now and though its not ideal, its so much better than being in limbo.

We feel like we have our lives ahead of us now and we can mold them however we want. We are going to take the summer to "find ourselves", as cliched as that sounds. We want to go camping, take photography classes, redecorate, travel, reinvent our business, and generally figure out who we are as two best friends living life together with no other objectives. We feel like we are in the first days of the rest of our lives.

*First two photos above taken with my new Canon Rebel T3i in Randy's parents' back yard. Bottom photo taken with my Sony DSC-T100 in Yellow Springs, Ohio in 2008.

Care Package

2011-04-07T14:57:00.000-07:00

My parents have lifted me out of countless pits in the past. They cannot rescue me from infertility and miscarriage and I know this eats them up. They don't like to see their children suffer and they also mourn for their grandchildren who will never be. Though they can't fix this problem for us, they are great at showing their love and concern in practical ways. Last night they dropped off a care package - something to brighten our day and help us escape for a little while.

All the fixings for a movie night, including jammies for both of us.

Things like this get us through a yucky evening - less because of the content and more because of the comforting knowledge that they took the time to do something nice in our time of need. It helps more than they could ever know.

Comes in Threes

2011-04-07T10:12:00.000-07:00

Thursday, April 7, 2011

It happened today. I have miscarried/am miscarrying. For the third time. And life goes on as if it doesn't matter. Miscarriages are strangely received by society - especially such early ones. Its a death - our child's death. But there are no memorial services, no flowers sent, no casseroles delivered. Amazingly, many people who know what's happening don't even mention it or ask how I'm doing. Do people just not know what to say/do? Are they embarrassed about the subject? Or do they just not grasp how utterly devastating this is? The nonchalant manner in which the event is often treated even tricks my brain and plays with my judgment, causing me to second guess my own emotions and my own convictions about the significance of the loss. I start to think maybe its really not a big deal. I go back to work much earlier than I feel ready to because I don't want to blow it out of proportion. And then I scream inside my head "how could you blow your child's death out of proportion?" But people on the outside don't have any connection to the life that was fleetingly in me - its more like an abstract concept than a reality for them. I don't know what its like from the outsider's perspective anymore. I just know how lonely and dismissive and small the typical societal reaction feels for those going through a miscarriage- the death of someone's child, their dreams for the future, and a portion of their soul.

Time Bomb

2011-04-06T09:26:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Our plan was for both of us to go back to work today. Randy made it. I didn't. I just wasn't ready yet. Lying in bed this morning I just could not fathom going about my daily tasks as though things are normal when they are actually so, so wrong. I'm a time bomb, just waiting for the child inside me to die, after all. I stayed in bed until noon and probably would not have gotten up even to eat lunch if not for my sister. She came to bring pizza, hang out, and deliver a fresh supply from her stash of the TV show we are currently using as an escape from reality. She also provided a friendly ear to listen to my incessant fears, which have morphed from: "what if I can never get pregnant?" (check) to "does my life even have any purpose? what was the point of my existence?" and "what makes me so bad that my babies can't live inside me?" I really can't imagine having to go through today alone, without someone to pick me up, dust me off, and take care of me.

So Close

2011-04-05T11:00:00.000-07:00

We were pregnant. And then we weren't.

Its happening all over again. A phone call from the nurse on Friday to tell us we were pregnant. A phone cal from the nurse on Monday telling us that our follow-up tests show that a miscarriage is imminent.

I have a baby. And its dying inside me. And there is nothing I can do about it. Again.

We are numb. We are tired. We are worn down. The tasks of daily life seem impossible right now - how can we go about our lives as though everything is normal when everything is so wrong? Piles of laundry, dirty dishes, and meal times that come and go seem simultaneously trivial and overwhelming.

It feels like no one is in charge. If someone was looking out for us, why would we get SO close after all this time, just to be devastated again? We were ready for another negative result. We were not ready to lose another child. If this is part of an overarching plan, its a plan I want nothing to do with. I feel broken and scarred by this journey. I know life will go on but right now I have nothing left.

Its Gotten Completely Out of Hand

2011-03-14T06:26:00.000-07:00

FAQ

Q: Since you work for Girl Scouts, do you get free cookies???

A: NO. And there is no secret stash in the office supply closet, either.

Q: Do YOU sell Girl Scout cookies? Can I order a box????

A: NO. Adults do not sell Girl Scout cookies (at least they're not supposed to!). But I have been around a LOT of girls this year who do. And I have been a good customer. A little too good for my waistline.

I am the Web Master

2011-03-12T11:47:00.000-08:00

Today I felt like I could not possibly do our regularly scheduled house cleaning if my life depended on it. Luckily for me, I have a partner in crime who graciously stepped in and offered to do my portions of the chore for me. This is happening way more than it should this month - I have absolutely NO drive. So while Randy was toiling away on the house, I tried to make myself useful by completely revamping our Spotted Elephant website. It was my first time ever fiddling with the website and the MacBook Pro (we call him Mr. Macky because we tend to anthropomorphize EVERYTHING in our lives) made it super easy. I know the web site is not amazing or uber professional, but for our purposes I think it turned out pretty darn great. It also now features our newest staff member and male model - our nephew Daniel. Get used to seeing his face under our hats. :)

Go check it out.....and while you're there, order something (if you want to)!

Click here to go to The Spotted Elephant Website

First Photo Shoot

2011-03-11T11:59:00.000-08:00

The Spotted Elephant had its first official photo shoot today! Its fun to have a model and to play with my new camera. Here are a few of the photos - some featuring SE products and some just for fun.

Yeah...What He Said

2011-03-09T14:21:00.000-08:00

I'd Blog.....

2011-03-08T14:12:00.000-08:00

I'd blog and tell you about the eventful week we've had, but the estrogen is making me feel like a shell of a person who doesn't care about blogging. I have zero motivation for just about anything, including writing. So instead I think I'll just sit here and stare at the lovely lanterns Randy's parents (and brother and sister) brought over to help bring a bit of brightness to our lives during this dim period. They are helping. :)

Estrogen: Invented by Satan

2011-03-07T13:24:00.000-08:00

With no time to come up for air we have already started drug stimulation for our LAST IVF cycle - transferring the two frozen embryos that resulted from last month's egg retrieval. While the drug protocol is much simpler for a frozen cycle, it impacts me much more severely. I am taking estrogen three times a day to prepare my uterine lining for the transfer. Estrogen turns me into a stereotypical woman with PMS X 10. I do things on estrogen that I never do under normal circumstances.

I cried while listening to a song in the car today. When the song was over I replayed it twice, crying the entire time. (A cover of Bob Dylan's To Make You Feel My Love) I don't cry at songs in real life.

Yesterday I spent two hours sitting on the couch trying to decide if I wanted to take a shower or not.

Today I really wanted a turkey and sun-dried tomato bagel sandwich from Bruegger's but settled for Arby's because it meant I didn't have to get out of the car.

Today I had to take frequent bathroom breaks not to answer the call of nature but to have a "cry break" in private.

This afternoon/evening my abdomen felt worse than it did right after retrieval/transfer. It felt like all my internal organs were bathed in acid and ballooning up to the point they were going to burst out of my skin and I didn't know why. Randy read that bloating and stomach pain can be a side effect of the estrogen.

Needless to say, I (and probably everyone around me) will be glad to to bid good riddance to this poison forever more.

Aftermath

2011-03-06T04:15:00.000-08:00

Strangely enough, the baby commotion over the weekend was a good distraction from our failed cycle. Who would have predicted that? But now that the party has died down we're back to reality and back to facing our failed cycle and all of the emotions that go along with it.

Empty Crib from Eyefetch.com

I feel like I've written until my fingers are numb about the emotional impact failed cycles have had on me - I'd link you to some posts here but there are so many - if you are curious you can click on Baby Envy in the categories to the right to see more posts than you'd ever want to read on the subject. So instead of writing the same post on a different day, I thought I'd present a wider perspective and tell you how failed cycles and infertility affects women/couples across the board. It sometimes helps me to see these statistics because it reminds me that my pain is valid when much of society is not set up to treat people experiencing infertility with the compassion they need. (You guys are all awesome and very compassionate- but to see what I mean, just find any online news story about infertility and read the comments. You'll probably give up hope for the entire human race after a few minutes of reading those gems.)

13% of women had suicidal ideation following a failed IVF attempt in a study by Baram, Touretelot, Muechler, and Huang.

"It's like a death. Procreation is one of the strongest instincts in the animal kingdom." -Dr. Alice Domar Ph.D

Women failing to conceive often have clinical depression rates similar to women who have HIV or cancer, according to Andrea Mechanick Braverman, PhD

A study from Uppsala University in Sweeden found that three years after the end of IVF treatment, most men and women were still processing and had not adapted to childlessness, indicating that the grieving process was still unresolved.

Emerging from fertility treatment babyless, broke and in need of professional support to get back on the rails is a common experience, according to the British Infertility Counselling Association.

After a failed IVF cycle, women experienced a further lowering of self-esteem and an increase in depression relative to pre-treatment levels, according to the MGH Center for Women's Mental Health.

Dr. Lisa Tuttle encounters many women who say they can't stop thinking about it, that it haunts them even while they're sleeping.

71% of women experiencing infertility feel that they are flawed, according to a study by GfK Roper.

So please - the next time you are buying a gift or attending a shower or making a meal to support a happy, healthy, pregnant/new parent friend or family member- think about these statistics and try to also send out a little love and support to someone you know who is facing infertility's depression, self doubt, and grief rather than the anticipation and joy of a new baby.

I have appreciated the support I've gotten during this time more than I can even articulate.

Sprouts

2011-03-05T01:55:00.000-08:00

We spent more time at the hospital today to give the new little sprout a gift that would have been ready as soon as he was if he'd waited until today to arrive, as the nurses had predicted yesterday. We are excited to have a brand new model for Spotted Elephant items - babies make better models than the Styrofoam balls we've been using.

The hat is made of a bamboo/acrylic blend yarn and is topped with a stem and leaf.

We enjoyed getting to see the family again (including my grandparents), but the weekend has been emotionally exhausting for Randy and me. We're still grieving our losses, and though we're glad to get to know our nephew it doesn't take away the sting of wishing we were the ones in the hospital showing off the tiny being that is the melding of our two souls, or the very real fear that we will never get to.

Part 2: March Forth

2011-03-04T09:08:00.000-08:00

Time marches on, unconcerned with grieving and readiness. Time will march on without you. Time has marched on without me for a while now. Today I'm catching up.

I became an aunt at 7:14 today. An occurrence the approach of which has terrified and exhausted me and entrapped my emotions for the past 7 months. I've built it up in my imagination to mythical proportions and placed undue amounts of significance on the anticipated moment. My heart ached every time I thought of seeing my parents as first-time grandparents to a baby other than my own. I imagined the moment my mother saw her first grandchild as life-changing and able to be matched by nothing ever - not the birth of any future baby of mine and certainly not my adoption of a child. The latter fear gripped my mind for the better part of the afternoon, even as I was sending jovial texts back and forth to my sister as she was in her hospital bed waiting to push her child into the world.

And then it happened. And I lived. And reality was much less magical than my imagination. People were happy - it was a wonderful event - but it was not the mythical fantasy I had feared. I have a nephew. He's a real person who is a part of our family now. I'm one of only two aunts he'll ever have. He's not just someone else's baby - he's my nephew. He will never fill the gap left by my own lost children - he is not my child - but he will fit into my life exactly the way he is meant to. And I will be his Auntie Kimmie.

Me and Daniel

Originally I felt like the only way I could make a hospital visit was if Randy and I could be there alone with my sister, brother-in-law, and baby. I didn't think I could handle seeing my parents or grandparents there and possibly not even friends of my sister that i don't even know. I needed some privacy. Luckily, my parents are angels and understood this implicitly. They had me text them when we got to the hospital and they retreated to the family waiting room to give us the space we needed. After a while I felt like I could handle it, so I invited them in. We ended up staying for 3 hours. I finally felt a part of the family again, and it was such a relief. Infertility is hard enough, but having it rob you of family is a crushing blow. Things will never be the same as they used to, but today was a glimpse of how we might cobble together a new family reality.

I don't attribute tonight's success to any supernatural or magical forces. I think it is born of months of therapy, the support of an amazing family, and the transition from having a pregnant sister to having a sister and a nephew. I have long anticipated that things would get much better once the baby was born, as it has in similar situations with my pregnant friends. Every woman experiencing infertility has her triggers - the certain things that are particularly soul-crushing to her. For me, its pregnancy more than babies. This is not because I want to be pregnant more than I want a baby. I think its because a pregnancy is the first step down that road, my next step - my elusive goal. I can't even fathom the baby part because its so far away and seems so unattainable to me right now. Just getting to the pregnancy has defined my life for five long years. And also, now that the baby is born he's not just a reminder of my failures and struggles and illness - he's my nephew. He's here. And I'm going to get to know him.

Part 1: March 4th

2011-03-04T08:04:00.000-08:00

Today is the day I may become an aunt. Today I am also mourning the loss of my children. I have so many mixed emotions - which is good - because for months I have had only negative emotions about this. But I'm still so desperately sad. I'm still grieving.


A falling star fell from your heart and landed in my eyes
I screamed aloud, as it tore through them, and now it's left me blind

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

And in the dark, I can hear your heartbeat
I tried to find the sound
But then, it stopped, and I was in the darkness,
So darkness I became

The stars, the moon, they have all been blown out
You left me in the dark
No dawn, no day, I'm always in this twilight
In the shadow of your heart

-Cosmic Love by Florence + the Machine

Limbo Day: Insult to Injury

2011-03-03T03:21:00.000-08:00

My period has started full force and I took one more test just to be sure. It was as negative as could be. My official blood test is not scheduled until Saturday. I will not let this go on until then - I need to move on. I called my clinic and left a rather snarky message at 8:30 a.m. that went a little something like this:

"My name is Kimberly Marksberry. My pregnancy test is scheduled for Saturday. It was supposed to be Friday but I am unavailable on Fridays so I tried to change it to Thursday but was told that Thursday would be impossible because its 'way too early'. Well apparently its not too early because I started my period. I need to move on and I am not waiting until Saturday to get my test. Please call me back as soon as possible to let me know what time to come in today for my test."

I waited until 10:30 with no response and called again, leaving another, similar but more desperate sounding message. In order to get same day results you have to test in the first half of the day so I was determined to get this resolved before noon. A nurse finally called me back about 5 minutes before I was going to call a third time and demand to speak to a person. She was very understanding and said I could come in whenever I wanted. I settled on noon so that Randy could come with me on his lunch hour.

For much of the day I felt oddly collected. I think the sadness of a failed cycle and loss of a potential child is tempered somewhat by the relief that at least we are closer to closing this chapter in our lives. As the clock brought us closer to testing time, though, my calm eroded away to reveal the raw pain underneath. Going to the fertility clinic where you are surrounded by so many hopeful faces (and sometimes kids that people experiencing secondary infertility bring along to their appointments - some clinics don't allow children at all and I often wish this was the policy at mine) to be subjected to another needle to test for a pregnancy you know isn't happening is like adding insult to injury. Though it seems counter-intuitive, the policy with IVF is that you have to have an official test no matter what for their records. I hate it. But that's the way it is. After 30 minutes of sitting in the waiting room for a simple blood draw (this wait did not make me feel better about my situation) we were finally called back. Thankfully, my vein decided to cooperate and we were in and out in five minutes with the promise of a call with results by 4:30.

I got the call at 2:30. Negative. So sorry. Do I want to start my frozen cycle immediately? I don't know - there is too much to think about right now. I request that the nurse ask the RE whether he recommended me losing weight and trying with the frozens in a few months or going now while my endometriosis is still somewhat under control. She said she'd call back with the answer before 5. In the mean time, Randy and I go to our previously scheduled therapy appointment. I surprise myself by not crying at all during the appointment. Randy tells me he has gotten a text with the news that my sister is being induced tonight. The perfect storm is raging around me and so far its not as bad as I had feared. Its sad. Its painful. But its endurable. So far.

We got the call back from the nurse about our frozen cycle as we wandered the aisles of Best Buy where we were shopping for a pity purchase: a replacement camera for my damaged one. The RE wants me to start as soon as possible with my frozen, while the endo is still under control. She calls in a prescription of Estrogen for me (yay - more hormones) which I will probably begin taking tomorrow to prepare my uterus for transfer in a couple weeks. I can't believe this is all happening again. Already. I don't know if I can take this again so soon. But on the other hand, doing it now will hasten the end of this period of our lives. And that will be worth it.

So tonight we sit at home with our new camera and make plans to go and use it in San Francisco in June. We need something to look forward to, whatever the outcome of this new cycle we're suddenly thrust into. Neither of us has much hope regarding the frozen cycle - frozen cycles have lower success rates than fresh, and we already used the best and brightest embryos for this fresh cycle. We are pretty sure we've got serious problems in the embryo department and its just not going to happen. But it could. But it probably won't. So I think this frozen cycle will be a lot more low key. Its certainly much less work (oral estrogen pills for a few days, then the transfer, then waiting for results - no injections or retrievals) and I think, emotionally, we're already done, already moving on.

So thank you to everyone who has embarked on this journey with us and sat through the tedious descriptions of medical procedures and the roller coaster of worry and hope. We have felt more supported than ever this cycle and I think its really helped us handle the bad news in a healthier way. We are so thankful to have all of you with us and so grateful that you have not given up on us yet. We'll keep you posted on our still enduring quest for parenthood, wherever it takes us.

Two Week Wait: Cut Short

2011-03-02T02:38:00.000-08:00

Two Week Wait Day 9: March 2, 2011

For all intents and purposes, the two week wait has turned into a 9 day wait and is over today. I started lightly bleeding this afternoon around 3:00 in the restroom at a school. Since I have my classic PMS headache and since today is the day my period is due, this was not a good sign - though spotting can sometimes be a pregnancy symptom. I knew it was over and I tried to pull myself together in the ancient wooden and brass faculty bathroom that a student had to unlock for me with her teacher's keys. I still had 20 minutes left of class time to get through. On my way out a parent volunteer who was on her way to the restroom stopped me and told me a long story about how often she had to go to the bathroom when she was pregnant. Ugh. I somehow zombied my way through the last 20 minutes of school and was able to make it to my car before completely losing it.

I called Randy and since I was close to downtown he directed me to pick him up (he rode the bus in) so he could come home with me. Through tears and fogged up sunglasses I saw my way to his office and then retreated to the passenger seat so that he could drive home while I cried. We decided we'd test as soon as we got home to confirm what we both know - that my period is starting. At 14 days past ovulation and with an impending period, the risk of a false negative is very low. Here's the test. There's only one line where there should be two. Story of my life these last 5 years.

We spent the night in bed cuddling, crying, and eating pizza (what can't pizza make better?). Initially we had no hopes for this cycle - it was just something to get through in order to move out of this phase of life. But every single step of the process went SO well that hope seeped back in. We DID NOT want to get attached to this cycle, but how could we not when it seemed so unstoppable? Now we have crashed down to reality - off of our hope-high. A fall that would have been much softer if it wasn't from so high. So it really makes us wonder - if things do happen for a reason and if someone is watching over us - why have everything go so well only to trick us in the end? It seems so very cruel.

Two Week Wait Day 8: To Test or Not to Test

2011-03-01T01:52:00.000-08:00

Two Week Wait Day 8: Tuesday, March 1, 2011

It happens every cycle. I have testing fever. Until today I've been able to kind of stave off the testing urges by using a surrogate - my thermometer. Remember how I have had an actual fever since transfer? And how I was worried about it at first? Well it has since become my friend. I've decided it means I'm pregnant after doing extensive research on a couple of message boards where some women said they had elevated body temperatures throughout their pregnancies. And so I feed my testing addiction by taking my temperature about every 20 minutes - and I'm SO not exaggerating about the frequency. I've now begun to worry when it dips below 99.0. What has this process done to me!??

Though temperature taking has helped me prolong my abstinence from test taking, its effectiveness is beginning to wane and I now have a different kind of fever (no, not Bieber Fever) - testing fever. I have obsessed about it all day and have done what any hormone-crazed Two Week Waiter does: internet frenzy. I have practically set up an IV drip of www.countdowntopregnancy.com where you can find charts on the risks of false negatives for each DPO (number of Days Past Ovulation) and www.peeonastick.com where you can find the sensitivity levels for every brand of test imaginable. Once I had exhausted my test research (keep in mind, I do this EVERY cycle, so its not like I'm even learning anything new), I moved on to that elusive beast: early pregnancy symptoms.

The problem with early pregnancy symptoms is that they are mostly a fairy tale. A fairy tale which every single woman trying to conceive believes in at least a little. The truth is that in the time period before your period is due, its really too early to be experiencing much in the way of definitive pregnancy symptoms. And on top of that, early pregnancy symptoms mimic PMS symptoms - so there is almost no way to tell whether your sore breasts are a sign of a bun in the oven or a foreshadowing of a visit from Aunt Flo. AND on top of that, pregnancy symptoms vary widely from woman to woman and even from pregnancy to pregnancy in the same woman. For instance - here is a sampling from a list of possible pregnancy symptoms I found on Countdown to Pregnancy:

A feeling of abdominal fullness          A feeling of abdominal emptiness

Increased appetite                                Decreased appetite

Depressed mood                                   Feelings of elation

Hot flashes                                             Chills

High energy                                           Fatigue

Constipation                                          Diarrhea

Acne breakout                                      Decreased acne

Sleeplessness                                        Vivid dreams

Dry mouth                                             Increased saliva

Ack! No wonder I'm going crazy! I think I have decided to try and go one more day without testing. Maybe I'll get inspiration for what to do during my vivid dreams tonight....or maybe I'll be sleepless - I'm confused.